Thursday, August 20, 2015
Also "Closing Out" The Subject Of Last Winter
Twenty days into August, and in spite of the heat/humidity "wave" of recent days, I finally feel like I've gotten back to where I was before the record snow and cold of Winter meant I wouldn't be able to get out and get what I needed in order to feel like I could function for more than a day or day-and-a-half at a time. What I needed wasn't "regular" food. I had plenty of that. And, between sharing the house with another adult (but single) family member who has plenty of his own kind of food AND making sure I have plenty of "regular" (healthy) food not only for myself but in case any of my other family members come by to visit AND the fact that I have other family members who wouldn't have me being without food in the house even if I were living alone; the Winter to which I refer was never about lack of food at all.
I won't go more into the food/other-stuff thing right now. I've already included the subject on my "notes to self"/ideas for writing post. The real point here, in this post, is that I finally feel well beyond where I was with the "exhaustion thing" at the end of the Winter and during Spring. What I discovered however, is that when one is facing such a mix of complicated issues, it can be particularly difficult to sort them all out and improve the overall picture "in a straight and orderly line". My own tendency to need things in life to be "all neat", and my own tendency to aim for getting things "as perfect as possible", didn't particularly slow me down. They did, however, make me feel a little more frazzled at what appeared to be almost "willy-nilly" progress. Ity wasn't, of course, "willy-nilly". It's just that I'm an impatient person "in the body of a patient-appearing/seeming one"; and while I have no problem acting patient when it comes to other people not being as quick or "whatever else" I wish they would/could be, I have more trouble being at peace with my own impatience toward myself. (This particular thing is something I've heard very elderly people say long before I was anywhere even near the "edge" of being considered "elderly". This is a subject I'll probably add to the next "things to write about" list.)
As far as the exhaustion thing goes, I feel much better as well. I'm fairly certain that, at least for now, it's still there. Also, however, I know, at t his point, I need to look into things like whether I have a vitamin deficiency or that type of thing. (I'm pretty much certain I probably do after the Winter of poor eating, no exercise, and no sun exposure; but I've been working on some of those issues since Spring.) For now, I'm seeing/feeling a major improvement since Winter. In fact (and I think I mentioned this in one of the other posts), having overcome "the legs thing" has made a giant dent in some of what was contributing to "the exhaustion thing" earlier in the year. I'm noticing, too, a gradual but natural move toward my "real" eating habits which have always been reasonably healthy.
I've been writing all night, mainly because the heat and humidity have been uncomfortable; and things get very cool and comfortable (at least in the house) overnight. It was a particularly busy and hot weekend that involved being out "in the weather" most of Saturday and then having a little get-together for a family member's birthday. That was all very nice, but hot for all involved. I discovered that my being out and around and/or doing different things than are part of my day-to-day routine meant that, once again, I used leg muscles that aren't used to being used. So, as usual, I spent Monday and Tuesday getting over being "crippled" with "stupid" muscle stuff that happened just from doing things I don't do every day. Then, too, because I got some of the leg muscles "going" that meant I started to "walk funny" around the house and get yet other muscles going for a day or two.
In any case, it's now Thursday morning. By yesterday whatever "funny stuff" I did to leg muscles was cleared up. It was particularly hot, and I did absolutely nothing for the whole day. Finally, once things cooled down and the late-night air kicked in (such as it was), I felt like myself (or at least as much like myself as I can expect right at this time.
Somewhere between starting to walk in Spring and now, I've started to at least feel as if improving "the exhaustion thing" dramatically is, at least to a large degree, something I may be able to do myself. I see and feel a dramatic improvement.
I'm not fooling myself into thinking that "dramatic improvement" in the exhaustion thing does, or will soon, mean that everything in my life that has contributed to it will magically no longer be factors. It's just that the whole "straw-that-broke-the-camel's-back" thing of being trapped in the house in Winter and unable to get that "completed Rubik's Cube mix" of what I needed is something I've been able to start to overcome as Spring came around. Of course, with factors brought on with Spring there has also been less and less need for as much of some of those things that I needed more and more of as the Winter ran on. What I did figure out (at least for me) was that having at least x number of days (even if only one or two) of having that "completed Rubik's Cube" was/is better than having none. Getting to "OK" at least for a day or two meant being able to replenish "mental energy" enough to be better able to deal with doing without on those other days. I plan to write more about this (but from a less personal angle) at some other time.
For now, I've needed to "close out" not only the leg-injury thing as a subject, but also the whole Winter thing, and getting-used-to-walking thing, as well. As I said with regard to the leg-injuries thing, I may in the future refer, in some limited way, to that subject; or else I may write something that's better organized and less personal. For now, I've just had to get the whole big mix of the whole Winter/Walking/Exhaustion Thing down in writing before being able to "close out" that whole "era" and clear my head for other writing.
"Notes To Self" (A)
NOTES TO SELF - Things To Write About Later
The Shoulder Bag - Evolution Away From A Regular Handbag (From pre-Smart-phone days to post-last-Winter walking). It would seem like there shouldn't be much to write about on the subject of "the challenges of the shoulder bag" (or handbag"); but I have a whole, big, thing that I want to get down in writing - if, for now other reason, just to get it out of my head. There are any number of spin-off subjects I want to write about as well, though. The one thing I've kept thinking as my "shoulder-bag needs" have changed after the leg injuries (but, to some extent even before) has been how not having a license (and still trying to live a normal life, particularly as a mother/family-person and/or someone with some version of an online business) has involved a whole, complicated thing about what I have to keep with me (but also, how to keep it all organized). I've often thought about the disadvantage that some elderly people are at, particularly if the rest of their life is generally the same as always - but without having their own car.
Much of last Winter had me thinking about some of the things that very elderly and mostly home-bound people must have to live with.
This won't make much sense to anyone else, but I'm adding in my "note to self" the matter of the refrigerator (particularly for someone who is a mother of even grown kids).
Last Winter - plenty of food but not being able to eat any of it
Last Winter - Working my way up from lack of appetite first with seemingly "pure-salt" junk food, then a small, bland, starch like bread or crackers, then with a high-sugar item like basic candy bar, "eventually" something "normal" llike toast and peanut-butter or canned soup or higher-fat food (like a grilled cheese sandwich) and
then - finally - starting to crave healthy foods like, for example, a tomato sandwich on rye bread, orange juice, and/or apple slices.
"Of tobacco (No, I'm NOT promoting it), light cream, salty junk food, sugary food, and the concept of the Rubik's Cube
Eating - Girls/Boys, Women, Frames, and Six-Yeare-Olds.
Eating - Small Frames, Increasing Age, and A Tendency Not To Eat Much in The First Place
Eating - Not Being Someone Who Snacks (Or Who Can Eat When Not Suffi
ciently Hungry)
Eating - Being a Vegetarian and/or "Borderline" or "Part-Time" Vegetarian
The "sugar shakes" - forgetting to eat? Or, increased need for sugar?
Room-temperature water or no water at all
Very Elderly People Under Extreme Stress And/Or On Medication - My Personal Concerns On Their Behalf With Regard To The Downward Spiral Toward Complete Inability To Eat Or Drink
Adrenal Fatigue - A Subject For Another Time
A Sampling Of How it Must Be For Very Elderly/In firmed Individuals - Why Keeping To Oneself And Not Bothering To Even Try To Communicate Can Be So Appealing
"Don't Worry. i'm Every Bit As Sharp, Naturally Efficient, And Generally On Top Of Things As Ever. It's Just That A) I Don't Have A Car And/Or B) Have A 'Mobility Issue' And/Or C) Am At A Place In A Stage Of Motherhood Where You Will/Can Never Be; Or Else Have Not Yet Reached; And/Or D) Living In A Situation That You Have Not Had To." (If it's THAT bad when one is, say, a fifty-eight/fifty-nine-year-old person without a license and with a couple of leg injuries, how bad must it be for the person who doesn't get to "close out the subject" of his/her mobility problem?
That's about it for my "notes to self" for now. I'm just trying to remind myself about some subjects to write about before i move on to a whole other set of them. Also, however, I'm hoping that just writing a few words related to each subject that maybe anyone who actually reads here will pretty much get the idea.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
More On "The Post-Winter Walking Thing"
Having "closed out" the subject of the leg injuries (as far as writing about them goes), I want to just comment on the aspect of having to get generally get used to walking long distances again. Really, it was last Autumn/early Winter when I had gotten a) mostly over the leg injuries, and b) pretty used to walking good distances (as long as the only weight involved was my own and whatever reasonable weight I may have had in a shoulder bag. Winter through everything (me) all off, however, because of how bad the Winter was.
The "exhaustion thing" is something I'll write about separately. For now, I'll just say that I don't exhaust easily. Also, while the different contributing factors to the "exhaustion thing" have changed, or at least changed in degrees/extent; the fact is that I went into "the leg injury thing" already dealing with/managing "the exhaustion thing" that I'd been living with for quite some time. In some ways, maybe the first leg injury was a weird kind of blessing in disguise; but, believe me, those first several months sure didn't feel like any form of blessing at all. Before then I had gotten to where I felt like I'd reached a saturation point with "the walking thing" (combined with whatever else had gone on, was going on, or I was worried about) in my life. So, while the saturation point with regard to walking long distances was traded in for the long sage of the the leg injury thing; many of the other contributing factors to "the exhaustion thing" were still there (and in some instances, were getting worse for one reason or another).
In any case, I went into "the leg injury thing" with "the exhaustion thing" but came out of last Winter with a whole new level/type of "exhaustion thing". So, once I got "the injuries thing" i ironed out (after mainly having been ironed out at the end of Fall/early Winter); I had to not only once again get the injury-related/associated muscles back used to walking long distances but all the unrelated ones back in shape, and used to longer distance walking again (I know I've said this before on this blog, but since trying (if only for just myself) to get my head around the whole picture of what I was dealing with, and what I need to sort out in order to be able to "close out" the variety of subjects involved in the whole "Winter saga" requires a certain amount of repeating some things - there you have it.)
I've covered the thing about having to get used to different shoes because of the cooler temperatures of Spring, as well as any number of other things, in other posts. The problem was that I came out last Winter with the exhaustion thing having reached a whole new level of "challenging", which meant that anything that at all resembled a large-muscle work-out was more demanding on my system than it otherwise would have been. Then, too, once the heat of June and July kicked in they turned my efforts into more of a "thing" than they would have been under cooler and less demanding circumstances. As it was, even when it was only fifty degree out (as in April or May) there were times when I would start out kind of chilly, walk down the street, and find myself working up a sweat. That "phase" passed, but then the temperatures turned to hot and/or humid ones. (We've been in a humid/ninety kind of range in recent days, but seventies and humid isn't all that comfortable for walking either.)
Long story made a little less long, before the leg injuries I could carry huge loads of groceries (and things like umbrellas) in my shoulder bag) without any issues that weren't related directly to the what I was carrying (rather than which muscles were used to carrying which types of weight for how long, etc. - even with "the exhaustion thing" as it was at the time. As of about the third week in July, and even with the injury-related muscles (and whatever) all ironed out; the combination of still not being used to carrying pre-injury loads in the heat (with regard to the leg/back muscles required) wasn't ironed out.
The increased heat/humidity, combined with that fact, made me realize that what I needed was to forget about even trying to get used to walking "pre-injuries" and "pre-Winter" for a few days. instead, I figured what I needed to do was to take some time (particularly since I knew the progress I'd made) to just try to stay home, make sure I had what I needed to deal with "the exhaustion thing", and - for once and for all (after the Winter) just rest.
What I'd noticed was that the combination of increased heat and humidity with the fact that the demands being made on things like back and leg muscles WITH, as well, whatever weight I had to carry in my bag; just felt like I was putting too many demands on my system. Of course, there was only so much staying in and resting that I wanted to do. I didn't need to get "whatever" not used to walking long distances again. I just thought that as long as I was satisfied to have reached the point I had, it might be time to stay in for x number of consecutive days in order to just rest. I did that, and I did get to where I felt as if I'd made a big improvement over the exhaustion thing. It was (and remains) clear to me, however, that it was/is still a factor.
Once I'd done my little "rest thing" (around the end of July) I decided to try walking again. Not only did I not want to stay in on nice days, but there were days when I needed things from the store. By then, however, the temperatures were pretty hot and humid. Today is August 20. There has only been one day when I felt "safe" enough not to carry one of my umbrellas in my bag. I figured out that if I was going to walk I should take out my standard "ladies' wallet, which meant carrying money and any debit cards somewhere "loose-ish" in my bag (first in a little palstic bag in one of the lighter weight cases I have; more recently, in a nylon eyeglass case that bought just for carrying money/cards when I walk). I also took out most make-up from my make-up case. Then, too, I took out of my bag all kinds of things that I really do need when I go walking, but I decided they weigh too much.
What removing so much stuff has meant, however, has been that when I'm out and on foot and hot and/or otherwise frazzled by the walk, it doesn't help that I do without things I need and have my otherwise well organized bag turned into something that has no system.
Changing my bag from "walking mode" to "going in someone else's car mode" is, in itself, frazzling to someone like me, for whom "a system" is important.
I'm going to take a break from the whole subject of post-Winter walking here. As I've said, I'm not only trying to lay foundations and sort things out for myself and for any future writing; but I'm trying to work my way toward writing posts that are better organized.
The "exhaustion thing" is something I'll write about separately. For now, I'll just say that I don't exhaust easily. Also, while the different contributing factors to the "exhaustion thing" have changed, or at least changed in degrees/extent; the fact is that I went into "the leg injury thing" already dealing with/managing "the exhaustion thing" that I'd been living with for quite some time. In some ways, maybe the first leg injury was a weird kind of blessing in disguise; but, believe me, those first several months sure didn't feel like any form of blessing at all. Before then I had gotten to where I felt like I'd reached a saturation point with "the walking thing" (combined with whatever else had gone on, was going on, or I was worried about) in my life. So, while the saturation point with regard to walking long distances was traded in for the long sage of the the leg injury thing; many of the other contributing factors to "the exhaustion thing" were still there (and in some instances, were getting worse for one reason or another).
In any case, I went into "the leg injury thing" with "the exhaustion thing" but came out of last Winter with a whole new level/type of "exhaustion thing". So, once I got "the injuries thing" i ironed out (after mainly having been ironed out at the end of Fall/early Winter); I had to not only once again get the injury-related/associated muscles back used to walking long distances but all the unrelated ones back in shape, and used to longer distance walking again (I know I've said this before on this blog, but since trying (if only for just myself) to get my head around the whole picture of what I was dealing with, and what I need to sort out in order to be able to "close out" the variety of subjects involved in the whole "Winter saga" requires a certain amount of repeating some things - there you have it.)
I've covered the thing about having to get used to different shoes because of the cooler temperatures of Spring, as well as any number of other things, in other posts. The problem was that I came out last Winter with the exhaustion thing having reached a whole new level of "challenging", which meant that anything that at all resembled a large-muscle work-out was more demanding on my system than it otherwise would have been. Then, too, once the heat of June and July kicked in they turned my efforts into more of a "thing" than they would have been under cooler and less demanding circumstances. As it was, even when it was only fifty degree out (as in April or May) there were times when I would start out kind of chilly, walk down the street, and find myself working up a sweat. That "phase" passed, but then the temperatures turned to hot and/or humid ones. (We've been in a humid/ninety kind of range in recent days, but seventies and humid isn't all that comfortable for walking either.)
Long story made a little less long, before the leg injuries I could carry huge loads of groceries (and things like umbrellas) in my shoulder bag) without any issues that weren't related directly to the what I was carrying (rather than which muscles were used to carrying which types of weight for how long, etc. - even with "the exhaustion thing" as it was at the time. As of about the third week in July, and even with the injury-related muscles (and whatever) all ironed out; the combination of still not being used to carrying pre-injury loads in the heat (with regard to the leg/back muscles required) wasn't ironed out.
The increased heat/humidity, combined with that fact, made me realize that what I needed was to forget about even trying to get used to walking "pre-injuries" and "pre-Winter" for a few days. instead, I figured what I needed to do was to take some time (particularly since I knew the progress I'd made) to just try to stay home, make sure I had what I needed to deal with "the exhaustion thing", and - for once and for all (after the Winter) just rest.
What I'd noticed was that the combination of increased heat and humidity with the fact that the demands being made on things like back and leg muscles WITH, as well, whatever weight I had to carry in my bag; just felt like I was putting too many demands on my system. Of course, there was only so much staying in and resting that I wanted to do. I didn't need to get "whatever" not used to walking long distances again. I just thought that as long as I was satisfied to have reached the point I had, it might be time to stay in for x number of consecutive days in order to just rest. I did that, and I did get to where I felt as if I'd made a big improvement over the exhaustion thing. It was (and remains) clear to me, however, that it was/is still a factor.
Once I'd done my little "rest thing" (around the end of July) I decided to try walking again. Not only did I not want to stay in on nice days, but there were days when I needed things from the store. By then, however, the temperatures were pretty hot and humid. Today is August 20. There has only been one day when I felt "safe" enough not to carry one of my umbrellas in my bag. I figured out that if I was going to walk I should take out my standard "ladies' wallet, which meant carrying money and any debit cards somewhere "loose-ish" in my bag (first in a little palstic bag in one of the lighter weight cases I have; more recently, in a nylon eyeglass case that bought just for carrying money/cards when I walk). I also took out most make-up from my make-up case. Then, too, I took out of my bag all kinds of things that I really do need when I go walking, but I decided they weigh too much.
What removing so much stuff has meant, however, has been that when I'm out and on foot and hot and/or otherwise frazzled by the walk, it doesn't help that I do without things I need and have my otherwise well organized bag turned into something that has no system.
Changing my bag from "walking mode" to "going in someone else's car mode" is, in itself, frazzling to someone like me, for whom "a system" is important.
I'm going to take a break from the whole subject of post-Winter walking here. As I've said, I'm not only trying to lay foundations and sort things out for myself and for any future writing; but I'm trying to work my way toward writing posts that are better organized.
This Blog Continues (Apparently) To Be An "Ideas-for-Writing" Blog
For now, I'm (apparently) continuing to use this blog as a place for "raw material" for future writing. It's horrible - mainly because of the long, tedious, rambling-type, posts. Since, however, I have much of my online writing on "hold" (for a number of reasons), it makes enough sense (to me, anyway) to just load in whatever material (ramblings, whatever) I have (as with the "foundation posts"), and then gradually post better organized (and/or more readable/less tedious) material.
It's not that plan to put a lot of time and effort into this blog once I get it looking a little more like a blog should look. In fact, I haven't ruled out getting rid of it completely (and figuring out where and whether to post whatever ends up here by that time). It's just that some future points can't easily be made, and/or that some future writing ideas can't (at least for me) be easily and neatly refined without getting some rough material down (and available, or eventually available somewhere).
So, for now, I have at least a handful of posts that I want to post here. Since it's been a couple/few weeks since I wrote the most recent of the "foundation-type" posts, I've kind of broken my train-of-thought on some of the points I had in mind. Maybe I'll skip them. Maybe I'll return to them at some point. For now, I figure I'll just start posting again and not worry if I got absolutely every, little, last, detail in the "foundation" stuff down.
Anyone who might possibly be at all interested could probably get pretty much as much "foundation" as needed.
It's not that plan to put a lot of time and effort into this blog once I get it looking a little more like a blog should look. In fact, I haven't ruled out getting rid of it completely (and figuring out where and whether to post whatever ends up here by that time). It's just that some future points can't easily be made, and/or that some future writing ideas can't (at least for me) be easily and neatly refined without getting some rough material down (and available, or eventually available somewhere).
So, for now, I have at least a handful of posts that I want to post here. Since it's been a couple/few weeks since I wrote the most recent of the "foundation-type" posts, I've kind of broken my train-of-thought on some of the points I had in mind. Maybe I'll skip them. Maybe I'll return to them at some point. For now, I figure I'll just start posting again and not worry if I got absolutely every, little, last, detail in the "foundation" stuff down.
Anyone who might possibly be at all interested could probably get pretty much as much "foundation" as needed.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Just Some Wheel-Spinning/Details About Food, Not Caring About Food, and Junk Food (Oh.. And Stress/Exhaustion)
Since I'm not in the mood to write a whole, big, thing about why the Winter made "the exhaustion thing" worse than ever, I'll save that for another time. Ridiculous as it seems to say this in the middle of July, I can now finally say that knowing that I got to where I don't need to worry about getting the legs and back used to walking a few miles again (as long as I don't have to carry a bunch of extra stuff/weight in my bag), I've decided that I need to address the matter of "the exhaustion thing" (separate from whether or not I go out walking or do any workout DVD's).
I'll probably get more into "the exhaustion thing" some other time. It has been something I've been kind of managing for quite awhile now. In most recent times, I've been "managing" it the way many other people do (or at least as I've read in a book about adrenal fatigue) - with nicotine and mild coffee with lots of light cream in it and, in recent times, with sugar at least in the first tall mug full. There was a time when I mostly drank only tea but would get coffee out. Then there was a time when I started to drink instant coffee with half-and-half and no sugar. At some point, tea started to give me heartburn, so I switched to my own mild coffee and eventually started using light cream instead of half-and-half. My own coffee (again, mild) with cream in it keep me from getting jittery (the way I do with stronger coffee).
I've often joked (although it's not a joke at all, really) that the nicotine gives me "mental energy" to be able to keep managing all the "mental files" well, without letting some of what needs to stay safely within some of those "files" start "leaking out" as a result of mental exhaustion; while the cream in the coffee (fat in cream) is calming, and the sugar in it gives me physical energy. It also keeps away any tendency to get heartburn (which has never been a big problem for me at all, but which has been more of one in recent times).
Oddly, I'm otherwise someone who doesn't do all that badly when it comes to eating healthy foods. In more recent times (but even in less recent times) I could probably use more of certain vegetables. Generally, however, whether it was my own eating or my kids', my policy was pretty much not to eat anything that didn't provide nutrition.
I've also often joked that I eat like a six-year-old. Actually, I've always kind of figured that six-year-old children kind of have the right eating attitude (except for some of preferences they tend to have), which is to eat when one is hungry (and otherwise don't spend a lot of time thinking about food, eating food, or otherwise spinning one's wheels over food). While I know there are families, or cultures, where people make a big deal about food and eating tons of stuff; I come from a family in which that wasn't the case. We had plenty to eat, but sweets were either a small treat here or there, or else something for holidays and birthdays.
In any case, it's always seemed to me that six-year-olds who don't come from food-focused cultures/families tend to care little about food unless the child is one with a big frame, in which case it seems to me like bigger-framed kids tend to need to eat more.
Since my own children were all small-framed kids (the kind with the narrow backs and shoulders), it just seemed to me once girls got past six their interest in food may slightly "improve". Boys (of all frames) seemed to start caring about food more, mainly because they generally seemed to need to eat more.
Anyway, I'm a picky eater. Based on so much of what I've seen on the Internet, as well as things I've heard in "real life"; it does seem as if nobody likes a "picky eater". It can seem as if a whole society has been raised to think someone gets "more points" if he's someone who "will eat anything". I, on the other hand, see that as "not being very discriminating" at best, and at worst, being more interest in food than one should be.
In fairness to people who "can eat anything", I've always just kind of assumed that some people (like small-framed women, for example) aren't particularly designed to accommodate (digest) big, heavy, loads of foods (particularly harsh or "strong") foods.
None of this is to say that I have any particular problem with foods. I like the occasional holiday binge as much as the next person does. (Well, I suppose, maybe, not QUITE as much as some "next persons" do.) For the most part, my binges tend to be a little less "binge-y" than some other people's. They also tend, I know, to be a little more picky when it comes to whether something is way-too-sweet "for the sake of being sweet"; or whether it meets my pickier standard of not being all that sweet at all.
Just last evening, I had a new kind of snap peas in the freezer and thought I'd have those for dinner. They were so sweet I couldn't eat them. Somehow, to me, if I want "sweet" I'll eat candy. If I want peas I want "sweet" but not THAT sweet. When it comes down to it, I pretty much can't tolerate much "sweet" at all - which is why the sugar in the coffee seems like a good delivery system for getting sugar into me if I'm feeling that "borderline nauseous" that one can feel when blood sugar gets low.
Anyway, in recent times (but particularly last Winter), I've got my whole system messed up. I know that. Not being able to get out in the sun and fresh air probably has meant the usual Vitamin D deficiency that so many people who live in Northern regions so often have. I do have the "advantage" of fair skin; but that doesn't help the person who doesn't get out in the sun from one end of a week to the next (and it's not as if there's ever a guarantee that the sun will even be out when one does get out).
Another side to the whole food thing, though, is that a small-framed woman of my age really doesn't need as much food as someone much younger does. Then a gain, of course, there is "food" and there's "nutrition"; so I'm not going to get more into that other than to say that I know that by the middle to late Winter, I wasn't just eating nothing but junk, but I was ONLY able to eat junk if I ran into those days when I couldn't get what I needed, ended up on a downward spiral to complete lack of appetitie AND inability to even be able to imagine drinking anything but mild coffee with a "ton" of light cream in it.
In my "real" life (my "pre-bizarre situation life" and particularly, my "pre-last-Winter" life) I'm not someone who snacks or who can even eat if I'm not hungry. I'm also someone who doesn't need to eat much in one sitting. In fact, there's where I feel most like a six-year-old: If I go to a restaurant and the meal is the usual kind of big load of food that is served in restaurants, right off the bat my appetite kind of goes away. It's not that I don't know from the start that I'll be bringing home a couple of meals' worth of the dish later. It's just that I don't want to look at a mountain of food in the first place. The other thing is, if I'm out eating with someone else I'm more interested in talking to them than eating - which is why I like coffee out with someone better than I like a whole meal out.
Not long ago I watched the PBS program on gender identity and related issues. They had people (experts) addressing the subject from a number of a different "angles" (areas of expertise). It was mentioned that brains associated with "female-ness" did tend to be more prone to anorexia. ("Anorexia", without the "nervosa" attached to it, means lack of appetite. My mother, who was on a mix of medications in the last years of her life, went through times when she absolutely could not eat.)
I know that no anorexia and/or particularly Anorexia Nervosa or other eating disorders are not joking matter. But, over the course of my adult life I've occasionally (and without forgetting the sobering and disastrous reality of eating disorders and problems) joked that it would be so easy for me to "be anorexic" because I didn't have a big appetite in the first place and cared so little about food/eating,
For the most part, I was content with my reasonable eating habits. I've always been someone who easily forgets to eat (until the "sugar shakes" set in, as they sometimes do). Under extreme "life crisis" the appetite does seem to be the first thing to go, but I mean "crisis", not just "extreme stress". I'm someone with good coping skills, and I tend to manage most stress (even the complicated and/or extreme kind) reasonably well).
When I started to think more about complete loss of appetite has been a couple of situations over the last year when I was in circumstances that were particularly frazzling (and for "legitimate" reasons). But, more noticeably and dramatically, last Winter when I had more and more days on which I either didn't have that light cream for coffee and/or couldn't smoke as often or as much as I needed in order to "feel like me" (clear-headed, reasonably energetic much of the time, even if I wasn't up for tackling any big, physical-labor, projects and hadn't been for a long time).
Even before Winter, I'd already developed some bad eating habits because I was running out of steam and started to notice getting those "sugar shakes" more often. While I once made sure I kept one candy bar in the refrigerator and left it there until I really needed it, I'd started getting that low-sugar weakness more and more. Before Winter, I was generally getting to the grocery store at least one day/evening during the week and one day on the weekend. Once in awhile (toward the end of "before-Winter" I did get to a store by walking, and once in awhile someone would give me a quick ride to one store or another).
Without all the details about what I'd buy and when I'd buy it, or whether I used up something (like light cream) more quickly than I'd planned; the main point about before the Winter is that even if I ran out of light cream, it wouldn't be too long before I'd get out and buy some. It was the same with nicotine. Since my general aim has been to cut down, and ultimately quit, for a long time now (although since what has happened has been, instead, an increased need for nicotine); I had been picking up a few e.cigarettes for in-between times. Depending on the circumstances, sometimes I'd cut back some. Other times, I'd load up on nicotine "as needed" in order to "feel like me"; and then I'd do without, sometimes, for a day or so.
Because I'd been trying to kind of slow down and get more rest than those previous nineteen-hour days I'd been having; but also because one leg or another needed me off it long enough to really get some rest, I'd started trying to sleep more. For the most part, and in spite of any number of other things that were contributing to "the exhaustion thing" (at least some of the time), I was doing what I could do to try to kind of rest more
With Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas in the "pre-horrible-weather" months and weeks, there was pretty much always some candy for the sugar shakes if they happened (even after I gave quite a bit of it away). Most of the time I was able to make sure I had light cream, or else someone else made sure I had some if it was going to snow, or had snowed. I tried to keep some boxed milk in case I ran out of cream, and coffee with that in it was better than nothing. Like tea, coffee with milk in it tended to cause heartburn, or just kind of a borderline-nausea thing. I can't really drink other hot drinks for the purposes I drink coffee.
For a long time I've joked that I have "a drinking problem" because, like an addict, I start worrying about running out of light cream if it seems like I'm anywhere near doing so. I'm OK with instant coffee, coffee bags, or whatever other version of coffee there is. And, if I at least have half-and-half that's better than nothing. Other than that, if I don't have some version of coffee that works for me I'm in trouble because I just can't always drink something cold (again, however, this depends on when it is and what the circumstances are).
So what happens with me is that if I can't get the coffee that isn't sickening I'll go with tea. Honey is less likely to cause heartburn than sugar or substitute are. Tea with no sweetener just makes me sick. Sometimes I prefer tea - but that's not when it's coffee with light cream that I need.
I'll probably get more into "the exhaustion thing" some other time. It has been something I've been kind of managing for quite awhile now. In most recent times, I've been "managing" it the way many other people do (or at least as I've read in a book about adrenal fatigue) - with nicotine and mild coffee with lots of light cream in it and, in recent times, with sugar at least in the first tall mug full. There was a time when I mostly drank only tea but would get coffee out. Then there was a time when I started to drink instant coffee with half-and-half and no sugar. At some point, tea started to give me heartburn, so I switched to my own mild coffee and eventually started using light cream instead of half-and-half. My own coffee (again, mild) with cream in it keep me from getting jittery (the way I do with stronger coffee).
I've often joked (although it's not a joke at all, really) that the nicotine gives me "mental energy" to be able to keep managing all the "mental files" well, without letting some of what needs to stay safely within some of those "files" start "leaking out" as a result of mental exhaustion; while the cream in the coffee (fat in cream) is calming, and the sugar in it gives me physical energy. It also keeps away any tendency to get heartburn (which has never been a big problem for me at all, but which has been more of one in recent times).
Oddly, I'm otherwise someone who doesn't do all that badly when it comes to eating healthy foods. In more recent times (but even in less recent times) I could probably use more of certain vegetables. Generally, however, whether it was my own eating or my kids', my policy was pretty much not to eat anything that didn't provide nutrition.
I've also often joked that I eat like a six-year-old. Actually, I've always kind of figured that six-year-old children kind of have the right eating attitude (except for some of preferences they tend to have), which is to eat when one is hungry (and otherwise don't spend a lot of time thinking about food, eating food, or otherwise spinning one's wheels over food). While I know there are families, or cultures, where people make a big deal about food and eating tons of stuff; I come from a family in which that wasn't the case. We had plenty to eat, but sweets were either a small treat here or there, or else something for holidays and birthdays.
In any case, it's always seemed to me that six-year-olds who don't come from food-focused cultures/families tend to care little about food unless the child is one with a big frame, in which case it seems to me like bigger-framed kids tend to need to eat more.
Since my own children were all small-framed kids (the kind with the narrow backs and shoulders), it just seemed to me once girls got past six their interest in food may slightly "improve". Boys (of all frames) seemed to start caring about food more, mainly because they generally seemed to need to eat more.
Anyway, I'm a picky eater. Based on so much of what I've seen on the Internet, as well as things I've heard in "real life"; it does seem as if nobody likes a "picky eater". It can seem as if a whole society has been raised to think someone gets "more points" if he's someone who "will eat anything". I, on the other hand, see that as "not being very discriminating" at best, and at worst, being more interest in food than one should be.
In fairness to people who "can eat anything", I've always just kind of assumed that some people (like small-framed women, for example) aren't particularly designed to accommodate (digest) big, heavy, loads of foods (particularly harsh or "strong") foods.
None of this is to say that I have any particular problem with foods. I like the occasional holiday binge as much as the next person does. (Well, I suppose, maybe, not QUITE as much as some "next persons" do.) For the most part, my binges tend to be a little less "binge-y" than some other people's. They also tend, I know, to be a little more picky when it comes to whether something is way-too-sweet "for the sake of being sweet"; or whether it meets my pickier standard of not being all that sweet at all.
Just last evening, I had a new kind of snap peas in the freezer and thought I'd have those for dinner. They were so sweet I couldn't eat them. Somehow, to me, if I want "sweet" I'll eat candy. If I want peas I want "sweet" but not THAT sweet. When it comes down to it, I pretty much can't tolerate much "sweet" at all - which is why the sugar in the coffee seems like a good delivery system for getting sugar into me if I'm feeling that "borderline nauseous" that one can feel when blood sugar gets low.
Anyway, in recent times (but particularly last Winter), I've got my whole system messed up. I know that. Not being able to get out in the sun and fresh air probably has meant the usual Vitamin D deficiency that so many people who live in Northern regions so often have. I do have the "advantage" of fair skin; but that doesn't help the person who doesn't get out in the sun from one end of a week to the next (and it's not as if there's ever a guarantee that the sun will even be out when one does get out).
Another side to the whole food thing, though, is that a small-framed woman of my age really doesn't need as much food as someone much younger does. Then a gain, of course, there is "food" and there's "nutrition"; so I'm not going to get more into that other than to say that I know that by the middle to late Winter, I wasn't just eating nothing but junk, but I was ONLY able to eat junk if I ran into those days when I couldn't get what I needed, ended up on a downward spiral to complete lack of appetitie AND inability to even be able to imagine drinking anything but mild coffee with a "ton" of light cream in it.
In my "real" life (my "pre-bizarre situation life" and particularly, my "pre-last-Winter" life) I'm not someone who snacks or who can even eat if I'm not hungry. I'm also someone who doesn't need to eat much in one sitting. In fact, there's where I feel most like a six-year-old: If I go to a restaurant and the meal is the usual kind of big load of food that is served in restaurants, right off the bat my appetite kind of goes away. It's not that I don't know from the start that I'll be bringing home a couple of meals' worth of the dish later. It's just that I don't want to look at a mountain of food in the first place. The other thing is, if I'm out eating with someone else I'm more interested in talking to them than eating - which is why I like coffee out with someone better than I like a whole meal out.
Not long ago I watched the PBS program on gender identity and related issues. They had people (experts) addressing the subject from a number of a different "angles" (areas of expertise). It was mentioned that brains associated with "female-ness" did tend to be more prone to anorexia. ("Anorexia", without the "nervosa" attached to it, means lack of appetite. My mother, who was on a mix of medications in the last years of her life, went through times when she absolutely could not eat.)
I know that no anorexia and/or particularly Anorexia Nervosa or other eating disorders are not joking matter. But, over the course of my adult life I've occasionally (and without forgetting the sobering and disastrous reality of eating disorders and problems) joked that it would be so easy for me to "be anorexic" because I didn't have a big appetite in the first place and cared so little about food/eating,
For the most part, I was content with my reasonable eating habits. I've always been someone who easily forgets to eat (until the "sugar shakes" set in, as they sometimes do). Under extreme "life crisis" the appetite does seem to be the first thing to go, but I mean "crisis", not just "extreme stress". I'm someone with good coping skills, and I tend to manage most stress (even the complicated and/or extreme kind) reasonably well).
When I started to think more about complete loss of appetite has been a couple of situations over the last year when I was in circumstances that were particularly frazzling (and for "legitimate" reasons). But, more noticeably and dramatically, last Winter when I had more and more days on which I either didn't have that light cream for coffee and/or couldn't smoke as often or as much as I needed in order to "feel like me" (clear-headed, reasonably energetic much of the time, even if I wasn't up for tackling any big, physical-labor, projects and hadn't been for a long time).
Even before Winter, I'd already developed some bad eating habits because I was running out of steam and started to notice getting those "sugar shakes" more often. While I once made sure I kept one candy bar in the refrigerator and left it there until I really needed it, I'd started getting that low-sugar weakness more and more. Before Winter, I was generally getting to the grocery store at least one day/evening during the week and one day on the weekend. Once in awhile (toward the end of "before-Winter" I did get to a store by walking, and once in awhile someone would give me a quick ride to one store or another).
Without all the details about what I'd buy and when I'd buy it, or whether I used up something (like light cream) more quickly than I'd planned; the main point about before the Winter is that even if I ran out of light cream, it wouldn't be too long before I'd get out and buy some. It was the same with nicotine. Since my general aim has been to cut down, and ultimately quit, for a long time now (although since what has happened has been, instead, an increased need for nicotine); I had been picking up a few e.cigarettes for in-between times. Depending on the circumstances, sometimes I'd cut back some. Other times, I'd load up on nicotine "as needed" in order to "feel like me"; and then I'd do without, sometimes, for a day or so.
Because I'd been trying to kind of slow down and get more rest than those previous nineteen-hour days I'd been having; but also because one leg or another needed me off it long enough to really get some rest, I'd started trying to sleep more. For the most part, and in spite of any number of other things that were contributing to "the exhaustion thing" (at least some of the time), I was doing what I could do to try to kind of rest more
With Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas in the "pre-horrible-weather" months and weeks, there was pretty much always some candy for the sugar shakes if they happened (even after I gave quite a bit of it away). Most of the time I was able to make sure I had light cream, or else someone else made sure I had some if it was going to snow, or had snowed. I tried to keep some boxed milk in case I ran out of cream, and coffee with that in it was better than nothing. Like tea, coffee with milk in it tended to cause heartburn, or just kind of a borderline-nausea thing. I can't really drink other hot drinks for the purposes I drink coffee.
For a long time I've joked that I have "a drinking problem" because, like an addict, I start worrying about running out of light cream if it seems like I'm anywhere near doing so. I'm OK with instant coffee, coffee bags, or whatever other version of coffee there is. And, if I at least have half-and-half that's better than nothing. Other than that, if I don't have some version of coffee that works for me I'm in trouble because I just can't always drink something cold (again, however, this depends on when it is and what the circumstances are).
So what happens with me is that if I can't get the coffee that isn't sickening I'll go with tea. Honey is less likely to cause heartburn than sugar or substitute are. Tea with no sweetener just makes me sick. Sometimes I prefer tea - but that's not when it's coffee with light cream that I need.
Just A Kind-Of "Journal Entry Type Of Thing"
This post isn't as much one of the "foundation" posts as it is a kind of journal-entry type of thing.
It's now the first Sunday in August, and it was only five days ago that I was able to say to someone how I finally felt as if I was over "the whole Winter saga". Why I had finally arrived at feeling that much closer to being my "real self" was that once I was satisfied in knowing that I had gotten whatever wasn't in shape from not walking outside the house most of the Winter back in sort-of-shape (ish), I decided to then take a few days not to go out walking at all - and just kind of rest.
What had helped was having been able to get out to the store to get what I needed and have at least a couple/few days when I not having what I needed to feel like myself would start me on a whole three-day cycle of making "the exhaustion thing" worse by not having what I needed to feel like myself. By being able to get myself to a "starting point" where I had what I needed in order to feel more like my pre-Winter/low-point burned-out self; I was able to get enough of foot-hold on feeling OK enough that any attempts to "rest" weren't a matter of not really being able to rest at all. As I mentioned in an earlier post (that may or may not yet actually be posted - but I'm writing to get things down, not to make any of this any more than that), the difference between any exhaustion level I had in late Autumn (when I was just starting to really be able to get both leg injuries up and running "walking-wise") and the level at which I approached Spring was the major interruption in those efforts to finally get both leg injuries back to "regular".
Having whatever other non-injury-related muscles get so un-used to walking a substantial distance (and carrying more weight than just my own body weight) had just made a bigger and more challenging problem. Being (as far as I know) an otherwise healthy-seeming enough individual; but also, ordinarily being a fairly high-energy person, I found just being confined to the house and unable to get out was incredibly draining. So was having to look out at overwhelming loads of snow. (I find all but the lightest of snow big, heavy, suffocating, and depressing anyway.)
There was also the thing that besides the snow there were issues of ice dams and whatever threats of damage, and actual damage they caused. It could have been worse for a lot of people, but even when it wasn't worst-case scenario it wasn't unusual for melting and re-freezing ice to mean water making its way into walls (etc.) and causing its own kind of damage and inconvenience (in in many cases, BIG inconvenience that affected some of the most mundane matters of day-to-day life. I'd say it was the "icing on the cake" with regard to the "exhaustion thing" I'd already been living with for a long time; but even though I, personally, hate the taste of all icing/frosting on any cakes, many people think of "icing on the cake" as a nice thing on another nice thing. Then again, calling the whole ice-damage/record-cold thing "adding to insult to injury" doesn't nearly describe that whole "Winter thing" either. in fact, when it came down to it, even all that "disaster" was kind of the least of my own, individual, problems in the scheme of my own, overall, life. No, the best way, I suppose, to describe it is to say that none of it helped when it came to the "exhaustion thing".
In any case, the posts I've written here that are dated into July cover most of having to figure out (and get through) the whole process of getting back on my "program" of being able to walk (and carry at least enough weight to allow for an umbrella, some "purse basics", and a lightweight, folding, cane; as well as anything I planned to buy at the store) before I could even think about the next step of making sure I had what I needed to feel like myself for at least a couple of days in a row.
The trouble has been that with "the exhaustion thing" meaning that anything that amounted to a large-muscle "work-out type of thing" brought its own demands/complications that (for lack of a better term) mucked up the whole process.
So, it was, I think, around the second week of July when I was just kind of reasonably comfrotable getting myself to the convenience store (about a mile and a half away, I think) when the store closed and meant I had to prematurely (in my estimation) up my walk to the next closest convenience store). Once that little surprise was something I got used to and was able to kind of plan for, I was finally kind of into a "system" again.
SO, that brings me to five days ago when I had been noticing for about two days that I was feeling more and more like myself. If, after my couple/few days of resting (and in, I think, one instance, only going out to enjoy being out for the sake of being out, rather than for the sake of needing something from the store), I hadn't had enough time to really feel safe in saying so, I wouldn't have made that statement to a family member. Another reason I said it to her was that in the last x number of weeks I'd become so aware of how important it was for me to have those uninterrupted days of having what I needed, I just decided to disregard the fact that I hated to bother someone else and ask them to bring what I needed. I just knew that if I couldn't get myself back to myself enough to be able to get out and get what I needed without involving anyone else; the result would amount to a) my not getting my usual energy level back, and b) my essentially remaining "buried alive" in the house.
So, I pretty much made far more a pest of myself than I ever would have if I weren't essentially trapped where I am. But, to me, this whole situation that has happened as a result of my leaving my marriage has been so bizarre that I've just gotten to the point where I think, "Hey, whatever.... You people figure it all out and do what you have to do if you don't like what's going on. I don't plan to remain buried alive and/or otherwise have my energy level diminished more than it already has been."
I'm going to address the thing about not being able to get what I needed in the Winter separately. It probably isn't what you think.
It's now the first Sunday in August, and it was only five days ago that I was able to say to someone how I finally felt as if I was over "the whole Winter saga". Why I had finally arrived at feeling that much closer to being my "real self" was that once I was satisfied in knowing that I had gotten whatever wasn't in shape from not walking outside the house most of the Winter back in sort-of-shape (ish), I decided to then take a few days not to go out walking at all - and just kind of rest.
What had helped was having been able to get out to the store to get what I needed and have at least a couple/few days when I not having what I needed to feel like myself would start me on a whole three-day cycle of making "the exhaustion thing" worse by not having what I needed to feel like myself. By being able to get myself to a "starting point" where I had what I needed in order to feel more like my pre-Winter/low-point burned-out self; I was able to get enough of foot-hold on feeling OK enough that any attempts to "rest" weren't a matter of not really being able to rest at all. As I mentioned in an earlier post (that may or may not yet actually be posted - but I'm writing to get things down, not to make any of this any more than that), the difference between any exhaustion level I had in late Autumn (when I was just starting to really be able to get both leg injuries up and running "walking-wise") and the level at which I approached Spring was the major interruption in those efforts to finally get both leg injuries back to "regular".
Having whatever other non-injury-related muscles get so un-used to walking a substantial distance (and carrying more weight than just my own body weight) had just made a bigger and more challenging problem. Being (as far as I know) an otherwise healthy-seeming enough individual; but also, ordinarily being a fairly high-energy person, I found just being confined to the house and unable to get out was incredibly draining. So was having to look out at overwhelming loads of snow. (I find all but the lightest of snow big, heavy, suffocating, and depressing anyway.)
There was also the thing that besides the snow there were issues of ice dams and whatever threats of damage, and actual damage they caused. It could have been worse for a lot of people, but even when it wasn't worst-case scenario it wasn't unusual for melting and re-freezing ice to mean water making its way into walls (etc.) and causing its own kind of damage and inconvenience (in in many cases, BIG inconvenience that affected some of the most mundane matters of day-to-day life. I'd say it was the "icing on the cake" with regard to the "exhaustion thing" I'd already been living with for a long time; but even though I, personally, hate the taste of all icing/frosting on any cakes, many people think of "icing on the cake" as a nice thing on another nice thing. Then again, calling the whole ice-damage/record-cold thing "adding to insult to injury" doesn't nearly describe that whole "Winter thing" either. in fact, when it came down to it, even all that "disaster" was kind of the least of my own, individual, problems in the scheme of my own, overall, life. No, the best way, I suppose, to describe it is to say that none of it helped when it came to the "exhaustion thing".
In any case, the posts I've written here that are dated into July cover most of having to figure out (and get through) the whole process of getting back on my "program" of being able to walk (and carry at least enough weight to allow for an umbrella, some "purse basics", and a lightweight, folding, cane; as well as anything I planned to buy at the store) before I could even think about the next step of making sure I had what I needed to feel like myself for at least a couple of days in a row.
The trouble has been that with "the exhaustion thing" meaning that anything that amounted to a large-muscle "work-out type of thing" brought its own demands/complications that (for lack of a better term) mucked up the whole process.
So, it was, I think, around the second week of July when I was just kind of reasonably comfrotable getting myself to the convenience store (about a mile and a half away, I think) when the store closed and meant I had to prematurely (in my estimation) up my walk to the next closest convenience store). Once that little surprise was something I got used to and was able to kind of plan for, I was finally kind of into a "system" again.
SO, that brings me to five days ago when I had been noticing for about two days that I was feeling more and more like myself. If, after my couple/few days of resting (and in, I think, one instance, only going out to enjoy being out for the sake of being out, rather than for the sake of needing something from the store), I hadn't had enough time to really feel safe in saying so, I wouldn't have made that statement to a family member. Another reason I said it to her was that in the last x number of weeks I'd become so aware of how important it was for me to have those uninterrupted days of having what I needed, I just decided to disregard the fact that I hated to bother someone else and ask them to bring what I needed. I just knew that if I couldn't get myself back to myself enough to be able to get out and get what I needed without involving anyone else; the result would amount to a) my not getting my usual energy level back, and b) my essentially remaining "buried alive" in the house.
So, I pretty much made far more a pest of myself than I ever would have if I weren't essentially trapped where I am. But, to me, this whole situation that has happened as a result of my leaving my marriage has been so bizarre that I've just gotten to the point where I think, "Hey, whatever.... You people figure it all out and do what you have to do if you don't like what's going on. I don't plan to remain buried alive and/or otherwise have my energy level diminished more than it already has been."
I'm going to address the thing about not being able to get what I needed in the Winter separately. It probably isn't what you think.
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